Written: 20/6/10
Let’s see. What have I actually been doing? Not a whole lot by American work standards. I go visit my neighbors and people in my community to encourage interest in the projects I want to start with them and to initiate trust so that they feel comfortable working with me. This is generally founded in sitting around for hours on end eating tangerines, as they’re the fruit in season, drinking terere, answering questions about the states, geography, Peace Corps, my family and what kind of things I know how to say in Guarani. That may not sound like a lot, but when you’re doing this all in other languages, the mental strain alone is draining. Then the cultural differences come into play that try your patience and you have to keep your cool and rise above them. Yes, you’re right, I am pretty fat. Yup, those sure are pimples forming on my face. No, still haven’t found a boyfriend yet. Yes, I am 24 and single, without kids. Thanks, I find my green eyes and blonde hair pretty charming myself. No, not everyone in America is blonde. Contrary to American standards of politeness, conversations on looks and body type are daily occurrences in Paraguay, so if you allow yourself to remain sensitive or become offended by them, you’re going to be miserable. I heard somewhere in training that being “fat” is considered that you are happy. Whether this is true or they just know it can push buttons of American women, I don’t know, but I just roll with it. Senoras will meet me and say to their daughters, “Ohh, she’s soo fat!” Interest in relationship status is another daily question. Sure, I could lie and make it easy on myself, ending the 20 questions right there and tell them that I left a boyfriend back in the States, but I feel like if I do that, along with a lot of the other annoying, unintentionally rude, etc, questions that I get, that my being here isn’t completing what I set out to do: teach them that there are ways of living and answering these questions outside of what they grew up believing. Furthermore, the fact that I am a single 24-year-old female without kids really does spark their curiosity. I don’t know much on the statistics of single, career-oriented women in the cities here in Paraguay, but in the campo, I’m still pretty much an anomaly.

What I’ve been really fighting a lot lately is “pesado” men, no surprise I’m sure to any females who have ever lived in a machisto society, whether it be Spanish-speaking or otherwise (even if the word itself isn’t applicable, I’m sure the actions are.) I’ll show up at a party and I might as well have arrived in a rocket ship, because everyone is staring. Again sometimes I think about just dyeing my hair brown. Every move I make is scrutinized by the seeing eyes of the community. If I dance with one boy for a few songs, “Oh you were dancing a lot last night with so and so, are you dating yet?” In training we were warned against “dancing many dances” with the same partner, as here that’s supposedly perceived as acceptance to be a couple. I’ve never really been sure what’ many dances’ constitutes, so after about 3-4 songs, I make excuses to go find a friend, use the bathroom, buy something at the cantina to avoid gossip. Being a female in the campo can really be stifling sometimes. If anything I’ve learned to be more assertive than I ever was in the States. “I came to work, not to find a boyfriend, thank you.” “No my interests don’t revolve around finding a husband.” “You should know that such flattery is unattractive to American women and that I don’t want to be anything more than friends.” It sounds like such a stupid thing to complain about, I’m sure. An entire town wants to dance with you, well that sounds just awful. Well, it is awful when you have to reiterate this with almost everyone you chat with. It’s also an empty feeling to know that nobody is interested in you for what you have to offer, just your hair color. I’m already a single female, who speaks their language a bit awkwardly, and is trying to bring new ways of doing things into the community’s collective knowledge, that alone is a lot to overcome to earn respect. Moreover, I want to represent something to the young women youth I will work with. I don’t need gossip that the American is easy and has lots of boyfriends because I happened to dance 5 dances with some guy.

Other points of interest. Our community is going on day 4 of the running water not functioning. After lots of confusing explanations, Senora Matilde, finally explained it to me in a way I could understand. One comes to find that Paraguayans aren’t one for providing background information. You have to ask the exact question that you want to get your answer. I think it’s because rarely anybody new ever moves to a community, therefore everyone already knows everything from generations back, so it never occurs to them, for example, that I wouldn’t know about cleaning the water tank (or that the two buildings on the same property were actually two separate schools with two different directors.) Anyways, the motor is supposed to be removed every two years to clean out to the tank and nobody had done this in 9 years, gross. I guess therefore it’s taking longer than normal. No one ever thinks to give advance warning to me about things either. If they knew this was about to take place nobody told me, but again that happens a lot that I’ll learn about events a few hours before, or in this case, after. Again I think it’s because nobody’s schedule ever changes, hardly anybody ever leaves the community, let alone their house, so why would anyone need to know something ahead of time? The crappy thing for me is that since everyone has become accustomed to having running water, their backup wells and streams, have all gone to crap. While everyone else in town is just drinking from the stream, I brought back a 2 liter and my nalgene filled from the city after staying last night in Caaguazu with another volunteer. As I just had food poisoning again about two weeks ago, I’m in no hurry to drink from the stream and puke my guts out, so keep your fingers crossed the water gets turned back on before I need to figure out a more permanent solution. (*Since writing this the water has come back on, after 6 days.)

Written: 21/6/10

I startled myself awake today at 8:30, feeling embarrassment immediately wash over me that they knew that I slept so late. The lazy norte slept three hours past when the rest of the community woke up! I’d set my phone alarm for 7 am, but I’d heard the wind and rain pattering on the corrugated metal roof throughout the night, so I knew it’d be a rain day when I woke up, hence there really was no hurry to leave my sleeping bag cocoon because nobody does anything when it rains. People don’t work, buses don’t run, children don’t go to school, so therefore why is the Peace Corps volunteer going to bike house to house to conduct censuses? It’s all about integration, so if they don’t work, then I’m just going to stay in bed and read.
Rain days, especially when they turn into rain weeks, are the ones that really test your breaking point, well among other things. I like to believe I have a particularly high breaking point, obviously or I wouldn’t have started down this road. Just make it one more week with host families, one more day without bathing, one more meal of tasteless gristle meat in greasy rice broth.
Rain days bring the cold and confinement, so you really don’t leave your bed. It’s kind of like having a sick day back home, just attempting to entertain yourself. Now that I have a computer, I don’t have to rely completely on books and can still get a bit of work done, so that’s nice. I’ve thrown myself into Ahecha, the youth photography project. I helped select photos for the national exhibit in July and am currently working on designing the flyer. It’s kind of amusing to think that at nights I’m secretly teaching myself graphic design in a wooden barn in the middle of nowhere and we currently don’t even have running water.
Last week I moved in with a new family. Aside from the one night I stayed with an old couple during tech excursion, they are the first family that I’ve stayed with who really only communicates in Guarani. It’s been good because it’s pushed me to study because I want to communicate with them, or for more selfish reasons, I get more alone time than the other families since eventually they don’t know what to do with me anymore and suggest that I take a nap or go to bed. Senora Leonarda obviously is a very good woman. She has her work cut out for her more so than other Senoras. On top of caring for the animals, starting the fire and cooking most of the day, she also cares for her developmentally disabled son as well as brother who also lives with them, while she herself has a physical disability affecting her mobility. The brother is timid and can’t really communicate at all, but I’ll catch him peeking at me from doorways. He spends most of the day in his room listening to music, therefore he kind of reminds me of the movie Radio. He seems generally harmless, while the little boy is a bit more rambunctious, ie the other day he threw a cat at me. He can talk, but he doesn’t get the fact that I’m foreign and don’t speak Guarani. Anyways, she has to be lonely a good part of the day with no one to really talk to and her husband at the Cantera all day (a stone face where they remove rocks to make paved roads. The novelty of my site is you can hear them constantly chipping away in the distance and about 5 times a day there is an explosion to remove larger pieces, while dump trucks are always making runs in and out of my site with these giant slabs.)
I arrived assuring myself that everything would work itself out about my permanent housing situation, but each day I’m becoming less certain. Moreover, I need to decide something soon so that any repairs and additions that need to be done will be completed by the time that I can move in. A single female living on her own is unheard of, so combine that with being foreign and people assure me that there must be options, but that they just don’t want to share them with me. Lately, I’m starting to second guess that. I’ve been shown two options. One is in the community that I’m supposed to work in, but right now is just a wooden shed where they’ve been storing cotton crops. I’d have to patch the holes in the walls where the slats don’t meet, put in concrete floors over the dirt, examine the mismatched roof, and put in electricity. They’d want me to use the bathroom next door at the church, which would mean I couldn’t do so after dark, and I’d still have to put in a sink or a shower. Also, I wouldn’t really have neighbors as nearby as I’d like. Finally there are no trees outside to provide shade in the sweltering Paraguayan summers. The only selling points are that’s it’s already in the community and the owner said after I fixed it up to my liking I could stay there for free for the two years. There are two other options in a neighboring community, so I’d have to ride my bike 30 minutes every day, uphill on sand, but to be comfortable in my living situation, it’s definitely worth it in my opinion (I’m sure I’ll change my tune when it’s hot again.) With one I’m having trouble even communicating with the owner because he speaks only Guarani, but I took a friend over there and he said he was waiting to see if he could sell it first and would get back to me in a week. I haven’t even seen the inside of it yet, but I’m sure it’s the closest thing to a legitimate house that I’m going to find, so I really want to hold out for it. Anyways, the other option that I’ve seen is also a wooden slat house, but it already has electricity and a bathroom with shower, so that’s pretty tempting. I’m looking at more patching up the walls and putting in concrete floors over the dirt, but having to fix something up is pretty common for volunteers. The layout is a bit odd with separate locking doors to the bedroom and other part which used to be an almacen, or a general store, which would be my kitchen/workspace/bathroom area. There’s a gap wide enough between the two buildings that someone could slide sideways in between, which makes me kind of uneasy, but the biggest selling point in this situation are the next door neighbors, Julian, Marga and their son Jorge are already becoming close friends and would be able to get to me in seconds if I needed them. Julian assured me that while he can’t vouch for the other communities, in that area I would be very secure and that the people would take me in as their own as they had with the last female volunteer. Another reason people keep assuring my safety there is that the house is in front of a collective 30 or so houses that call themselves “Pueblo de Dios” or City of God. I’m not really sure what their story is. I think they are somewhat of Paraguayan Mennonites from what I’ve seen of some women who live there. Anyways, I’ve talked to the man who looks after the place, as the owner moved to Asuncion, and he told me I could move in whenever I wanted and use what furniture was left. The whole issue of renting was very awkward as frankly there are no real precedents to follow; these houses have been in these families for generations, so there’s no price range to really compare to, all I know is that the last volunteer paid 100 mil a month, so I offered that and he accepted. In this area I wish Peace Corps would help us out more as I don’t know how to negotiate prices, repairs, contracts (if such a thing really exists,) and being foreign I want to obviously decide something that’s fair for both parties. Moreover, I want to settle all this soon so I can move in ASAP, not staying a day longer with host families than I need to and with this being the last family who has offered to take me in, I’m getting kind of anxious. Also, I feel inhibited to really start planning and preparing work until I have my own space and I’m not some sort of pet/burden/novelty who needs to humor and entertain the people that I’m staying with. (*Obviously this was written before the last entry about the theft, thus making my own housing an even bigger priority.)

On Saturday, I went into my closest city, Caaguazu, to stay with Natalie, the UYD or Urban Youth Development volunteer, who lives there. It’s crazy how much difference 15 kilometers can make. Her housing is cozy, even by American standards, with all the amenities we’re used to. She can find pretty much anything she needs to buy. People stay up past 7 pm, heck we didn’t even leave her house to go out until 11 pm. Most people have cars, and the majority of their teeth for that matter (dental hygiene being something we are big proponents of in rural health.) What really boggles my mind is that among each other they speak Spanish as commonly as Guarani, where in my community if they’re not addressing me, it’s always Guarani. I find the whole thing fascinating. When I’m in Caaguazu, I must admit I’m jealous of all her comforts and her ability the live more freely as a single woman. Then I remind myself that if I didn’t want to experience something drastically new and just keep living by my American lifestyle, I might have well have stayed in America and been at the beach with my nephews today. Not that I’m trying to dish on the PC people who live in cities as honestly I think my background was better suited for their type of work with youth than what I’m attempting to do in health, but I’m simultaneously happy that I’m learning new skills and information while having to push myself. She’s told me from time to time that she sometimes wishes she could have a campo experience, through which I feel like I’m seeing more of the real Paraguayan culture, as to me all cities are inherently the same. Undoubtedly both settings have their benefits and with us being so close we can work and stay with each other and experience a little bit of both.

I finally learn to be assertive, in the Paraguayan Campo of all places.

So one aspect with Peace Corps that I’ve found to be a bit contradictory is how they handle our living arrangements. We arrive and from the start they handle us with kid gloves, which I found comforting. We’ve just arrived from halfway around the world, knowing no one, functioning in new languages, so obviously we want to be comfortable in our home environments and they do an excellent job finding great families and matching us up with who we’d be well suited with within our training communities, along with taking security aspects into consideration. With that first half, no complaints. Just the stark difference between how it’s handled from training to after swear-in, leaves me kind of clueless. And I get it, Peace Corps is a design your own adventure, trail by fire kind of experience. Sometimes I’m left floundering. You see, a rule is that we live with host families the first three months in our new communities so that we integrate better, the community takes us in as their own, and moreover it’s suggested that within those three months that we move around every few weeks so as not to be a burden on families, not to cause jealous between us families, so any particular family doesn’t become dependent on the money we offer to ease the burden, etc. In theory, I completely understand this rule and see its value. The execution is where I’m faltering. I arrived and stayed with my contact’s family for two weeks and then pretty much every terere conversation that I had I had to slyly slide in “well it’s a rule…” in hopes that they’d counter that with a “oh sure, you can come stay with us any time,” which two senoras did (consequently they also housed PCT’s during a visit here to see the last volunteer, so they kind of understood more.) Now I’m with my last senora who has offered and I have a month to go. I’m not sure this lady signed on thinking I’d be with them for 5 weeks and I still don’t really have any definite house prospects for when August rolls around. Moreover, in training we get bombarded with all sorts of safety briefings like, “make sure to lock your door to keep out curious children,” “people are going to think Americans have lots of money and be interested in what foreign items you brought with you, so keep your items out of view,” but when we get to our communities we have no locks, as has been the case with me, you’re lucky if they can even spare a whole room for you. The first family I shared and now these last two have had provided me my own room, though the second family constantly needed in that room as the light switch for the kitchen/living room was in there. This says so much about the way PY houses are laid out, but I’ll save that for another day. Consequently, I’ve felt like I need to be a mother hen and sit on my suitcases to protect them. The first house the “curious” baby messed with my crap and I had some money go missing, but I was torn because I know these are the people in the campo are those who need it most, that it wasn’t really anything traceable, that it wasn’t something replaceable from the States, and it would make my hopeful 2-year working relationship with my contact awkward. Second house, more money, possible phone credit, but to be fair I don’t really grasp this ‘saldo’ concept completely, let it go. About 6 weeks in, PC came and visited and did a site presentation to formally introduce me to the community (to which after making invitations at both schools and having the radio station announce it, seven new faces came, none of which I’ve seen again. So it goes.) They also brought me things I stored at the office after leaving training that where hard to move on coach bus. Shortly after they came, I needed to move as I’d stayed with the second family a month and it was starting to cause a bit of “chisme”, or gossip, in the community that I favored the family and I didn’t want this to inhibit people from wanting to work with me in the future. I ended up leaving what wasn’t essential with them until I procured my own living arrangements. Enter stage left, “the nosey niece.” I was always a bit suspicious of her as I watched her riffle through the wardrobe of the grandson in whose room I was sleeping, would not ask before looking in shopping bags, cards of mine in my presence, constantly asking for money, saldo, but I never had proof, until last night. She showed up to walk with me to a party wearing very obviously the sparkly makeup I thought I’d lost in moving. I decided I need to say something to my last Senora. She searches her wardrobe and finds more inconsequential things of mine, ridiculous things to steal, that I’d gladly let her use or given her: nail polishes, medicine from our med kit (I later realized upon arriving home that she’d also taken all the candy A. Glenn sent me, which made me the saddest.) Things so silly that I felt awkward even complaining about, but knew I needed to demonstrate that I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of breach of trust, lack of respect. The following all went down in Spanish:
Me: “You know, it’s not like I enjoy this. It was actually very difficult for me to do this. If these things are more important than my trust, our friendship, if you need them that much to disrespect me, then take them.”
Nosey niece: “Blah, blah blah, I found that lipgloss and was going to give it to you and the other things I bought at the corner store.”
Me: “Whatever you say.”
I exit to take what I can carry home. If she steals books in English, I’d be flabberghasted. If she steals my Orange and Blue Gators hammock, she’s dead. I go home and realize more ridiculous things she’s taken, go on an awesome Rage Against the Machine bike ride to blow off some steam and stop back by to talk to my Senora’s daughter who lives next door to where I’d stayed. Eventually Nosey Niece comes outside acting like we’re amigas.
Me: “So, did you enjoy my candy?”
NN: ….”I didn’t take that.” Proceeds to go mute and stare at lap.
Here is where I wish I’d been brave enough to make some crack like, oh you just happened to buy that as well at the magical corner store down the street that happens to sell medicine in English packaging and exact duplicates of things missing from my bag, but I reckon I’m supposed to be an adult and professional and take the high road with wayward Paraguayan teenagers, so I just kind of laughed. And I’m a wussy, though I did get in this, which if you know anything about me, you know this was a big win in itself for me learning to be confrontational:
Me: “I’m not as big of an idiot as you think and I deserve respect like everyone else.” (though in my clumsy Spanish I think I actually said, “from everyone else,” but whatever, I was flustered in another language and I happen to think I do deserve everyone’s respect, not in like a pompous American sort of way, but… she got the gist of it. With that, I ride off on my Caloi bike feeling pretty impressed with myself, as I later tell Andy on the phone, “I’m just a chill chick, man,” summing up my day.

Anyways, that’s it. A heads up, I have been writing a lot this week, but the journalist in me won’t let me publish them until I have time for a final edit. I figured there might be interest in what went down today, so I thought I’d appease my hand full of loyal, and most likely dwindling, fans from my lack of posts. I’m making a comeback with the computer, you all just wait and see. Ok, “Che ropehyi” or I’m sleepy, as it’s way past my campo bed time.